I realized over the weekend that my usual autumn funk has already descended upon me.
It did so a few weeks ago, actually, back near the beginning of September. The cryptic symbol I'd marked on the calendar on September 4 was so cryptic that it wasn't until late afternoon that I remembered what it meant. Oh... yeah. It's the anniversary of Mom's death. Dammit. September felt off-kilter and out-of-sorts all the way through after that. The last week of it I just felt drained and down and anti-social (more so than usual, I mean) and like I wanted to go to bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out, except to eat seasonal things with lots of squash and cranberries, until April.
And things haven't really perked up in October so far. It was realizing over the weekend that it had been a week since I'd read email helped me recognize that yeah, I'm in a bit of a slump. It's to be expected this time of year, but it's still not fun.
I'm trying to pay attention and not just slip into hermitty hibernation. I don't want to get to March and realize that I haven't done much beyond read and sleep and waste time on the net. It feels like I need to be stripping a lot of things down and getting rid of excess (clearing out apartment clutter, unsubscribing from 90% of the email mailing lists I'm on, etc.) and setting up a structure that's going to be supportive (not letting the Egoscue and zazen slip when I'm feeling tired or down, planning meals ahead of time so I have healthy tasty food on hand that I want to eat, knitting or sewing or otherwise making things, spending as much time as possible in the sun, etc.). Also working on finding a way to keep track of how I'm doing with those things that won't turn into a source of stress in itself (Health Month has been feeling stressful, but I think I just had an insight into why, and how I can adapt it on my own to be more helpful to me). And I need to resist the go straight home/stay at home and cocoon up urge and try to see people socially.
I am with the moment, and the moment is "Bleah."